I'm a "nice" person. I'm not saying I don't have a mean bone in my body, 'cause I do. But it's a small one, and it must be in my head, 'cause that's where the mean thoughts usually start and end. I'm sure in my youth I probably used it some, but I don't recall ever saying or doing anything to purposefully hurt another person. That's not to say I don't get upset, get mad, or get my feelings hurt. I do, and sometimes too often. But I deal with it. Usually internally. Yeah, I keep stuff to myself a lot. But I do it to protect others. I don't want anyone worrying about me. I don't want people to walk on eggshells around me. And for the most part I'm a happy go lucky kinda girl. And I'm very good at putting on a happy face, so that even when things are bothering me, I seldom let on to others. And I like to do for others; I enjoy making other people happy, making them feel good, doing things for others. That's just the way I roll.
I read a book to my students at the first of the year about a happiness bucket. We all have one. Your bucket is filled when you do things for others; when you make them feel good. You fill your bucket by filling the bucket of others. But lately I find my bucket depleted. Many of the people I love and care about are going through trying times. No one has been ugly to me, or done anything to me to cause me to feel bad. I guess I just spend so much time worrying about others, that I'm emptying my bucket faster than it can be filled. Lately I find myself tired, drained of energy, and near tears. And for that I feel bad, almost guilty for even writing this. I have little about which to complain. I have wonderful friends and family who love me. I have a good job. I have a nice home. I am comfortable. Just last week in class we talked about wants and needs. The four needs are food, shelter, clothing, and love- and I have those things in abundance. So why then do I often feel so sad? It's silly, huh?
Now that it's all written down, maybe I can let go of it, and hopefully feel better. We'll see... keep your fingers crossed!